for incoherency and lots of babbling.

Sat, 02 Apr 2005 10:41:19 GMT

Oh ! i am on such a ROLL. i've written god knows how many drabbles for the themes on
30_kisses

and...*drumroll* niisan's here! with yoko-chan! -squishes both to death. mygod i've never been happier!
hrm, and i'm getting the feeling that maybe, just maybe, getting banged up is not such a bad idea after all! i should do this more.
-grins.

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Fri, 01 Apr 2005 15:00:43 GMT

Title: Ghost
Author: Hagane
Pairing: 5x3 (barely there, but yes)
Summary: He needed to hold, he wanted to let go.

-
I’d gone through four packs today. Four packs. And still, the craving was there. I had a need, so great that I was willing to brace the torrential downpour to satisfy it.

That was how I ended up stranded in the middle of the street, soaked to the skin and staring balefully at the closed door. The shop was closed, as was the one next to it. And the one to the next. They were all closed.

And it was only five in the evening.

Why were they closed, damn it?

I let my feet lead the way back, not really looking forward to the warm shelter of the inn and secretly preferring the company of the rain than that of my brooding companions. I knew what to expect when I got back.

And I was right.

Hakkai was sitting by the window, gazing wistfully out. He had that faraway look in his eyes, the one that told people he was thinking very painful thoughts. His smile had slipped a little, and he’d allowed just the slightest sliver of expression on his face. He glanced in my direction as I stepped into the room, and managed to get that smile back in place, for me, but just as soon as I’d turned around, it fell.

The saru was nowhere in sight, probably in his shared room with Sanzo, huddled up in his blankets and feeling sorry that Sanzo wasn’t in the mood to play. I wondered briefly if he was a masochist at heart because no person in their right mind would want to be anywhere near Sanzo when it rained.

When it rained. And it was raining a damn lot these days. We were stuck here far longer than planned and I was already getting restless. There was only so much of the same women I could take, and the ones here, though pretty, couldn’t carry on a decent conversation. I was sorely lacking entertainment (and intellectual stimulation) and it was pissing me off that the damn monk was-

Drinking himself pissed at the bar?

Yes. Yes it was. There was no mistaking that golden hair anywhere. It stuck out like a sore thumb even in the thorniest of bushes or the fanciest of parades. He stood out because of the bad vibes he gave and only real fools couldn’t sense.

I was probably one of them, sometimes. Probably the biggest, really, because I knew how violently hostile he was yet I still tried to tread on his toes. Like now. He was sitting at the bar, the area around him suspiciously clear, and drowning himself in alcohol, and I slid into the stool next to him. And it was raining.

Surely, I knew what that meant.

He shot me a glare, from under heavy lashes. I returned with a smirk and waved to the bartender.

More, I asked, for Sanzo-sama.

Fuck off kappa, he slurred, more drunk than I’d thought, go find a whore to thump.

Why Sanzo, I gasped in mock horror, the words you spew! I grinned amicably at him as he scowled at me, and offered him the bottle the bartender just set on the table. Here, it’s on me.

Like fuck. I’m paying for all this, he growled.

I shrugged. Yeah well, same difference.

He looked like he was about to retort, but then his shoulders just hunched and it seemed like all his energy left him Go away, kappa.

I watched him fumble with the bottle, before taking a long swig and crashing it loudly down onto the table. I knew then where to head next.

-

No one said I was rational. I never said I was rational.

That probably would explain why I found myself in a brothel, a different one this time. This time, the specialities were boys.

Blond, I instructed, I want a blond.

-

It’s been a week now, and it’s still raining. There was no break, no lapse in the deluge. The rain was just pouring.

If I were more stupid, I’d probably say the heavens were crying. Maybe because their hopes were on a priest who didn’t even believe in them. Yeah, I’d probably say that. Maybe.

We’ve been stuck in this town in that span of time, and Hakkai had been cooped up in his room for that same amount of time, with the occasional forced appearance at the dinner table to sip at his sake and move his food around on his plate. Goku had fallen into quite the depression, and I could understand really, because there was no end in sight. At least, not one we could well see.

The monk alternated between getting himself stone drunk and brooding. There was a hint of despair about him, I might even say desperation, but this is Sanzo and he’s never desperate.

At least, not that I know so far.

And there was me, unhappily dissatisfied with the way things were going. I paid a visit to the call house every night, and had done nearly all the blondes in the place. It was getting old.

-

We’re leaving, Sanzo said, startling us all.

But it’s raining, Hakkai pointed out quietly from his seat by the window.

If we wait for the rain…Sanzo trailed, and cleared his throat uneasily, we can’t wait.

I understand, Hakkai stood up, almost reluctantly, I’ll get the jeep ready.

Sanzo nodded, and turned to the saru. Goku, we’re going.

His eyes brightened and his entire face lit up.

I wondered, really.

-

It was different, out in the jeep in the rain. No one spoke, and even Goku could sense the tension in the air. Hakkai wasn’t happy. You could tell from the way he sat so stiffly in his driver’s seat. And the way he looked straight ahead.

The monk was resolute in his determination to get on with the journey. What’s the rush? I wanted to ask, but never quite dared. He too wasn’t happy. You could tell from the way his muscles were tensed and how his hand kept reaching into his robes to pull out his pack of cigarettes before drawing away, reminded of how it would be useless to fight the flooding rain.

I was annoyed, and rattled at the same time. The silence was deafening and the awkwardness lurking in the air just didn’t feel healthy. I watched uneasily as the two in the front seat lost themselves in visions of the past, and let a drugged dopiness settle over their usually well-guarded selves. I wasn’t used to seeing them like this, and having the pair of them together made it worse, because it seemed like they were seeking each other out in their private agony and the only good that it was doing them was helping them tumble even deeper into that pit of darkness, or whatever it was eating away at their minds.

I fervently hoped that we might get to another town soon. This was driving me insane.

-

My prayers were answered, coincidentally. Or maybe there really was a God who listened to all my prayers. Well, whatever it was, it helped do the trick because by nightfall, we were riding into a small, peaceful settlement where the rain didn’t pound so hard into the earth and where I could smell-

Food! The saru yelled excitedly in my ear, Sanzo! I smell food!

I half-expected the monk to turn around and threaten the stupid monkey, but he didn’t even acknowledge the outburst. Not even gracing it with a grunt. Hakkai didn’t comment, he pulled the jeep in front of an inn and five minutes later, we were seated with hot food on the table.

But Sanzo didn’t touch his plate, Hakkai didn’t drink and I found that I’d lost all appetite. Only the saru was enjoying the meal and he didn’t really notice.

I’m going to bed, he said abruptly, throwing the gold card onto the table, do whatever you want.

With the card, Sanzo? I asked cheekily.

He didn’t even pause in his movement and I felt a momentary sense of disappointment that he was too wrapped up in his misery to take the bait. Hakkai stood up as well, pushing the card gently into my hands. He gave a strained smile and turned without a word to follow Sanzo out.

Well, damn. I’ve got the monk’s credit card. So…where to next?

-

I find myself in yet another whorehouse, looking out for any blond that catches my eye. But this time, he’s got to have purple eyes. Or something along those lines. I’m not particularly picky, because I know those eyes are pretty hard to come by. When the sort-of-the-pimp guy tells me he hasn’t got any with purple eyes, or anything close to that shade, a sudden surge of anger passes through me and I can feel more than hear myself ask, why the fuck not?

He shrugs and says purple eyes are rare. And then under his breath mutter, that people with purple eyes would do his business some good.

I snort. Yeah, I reckon that’d be true.

Still, I guess the blond with bright blue eyes might do. Even if blue is a long shot from purple.

-

The rain seems to be letting up. I can see a little of the sun peeking from behind the clouds and it brings an unexpected smile to my face. Maybe today, Hakkai and the monk will snap back to their not-so-normal selves.

But it doesn’t.

The sky seems intent on its crying and I have no idea why.

-

I’m tired of this. Sick of this shit. I’ve had enough of seeing them wallow in misery. The only reason they’re miserable is because they want to be. Well shit, it’s not fair dragging everyone else with them just coz *choke*

And I’m sick of drinking all this stuff. There’s only so much alcohol I can take in two nights, and there’s only so much entertainment a place provides. I’ve half a mind to tell Sanzo to get his ass moving, but that just puts ideas into my mind.

Fuck. I need more beer.

-

We’re leaving at first light, he announces at dinner. He’s finally touching his food- if nibbling at a morsel counts.

Hakkai pokes at his food delicately, raising his eyes to look at Sanzo, questioning. It’s an unspoken question but I can hear it. In this rain?

And Sanzo answers with his own unspoken thought, Yes.

And I wonder how I know this.

-

It’s the last time we’ll be here, so I thought I might as well find some comfort. The trip tomorrow will be uncomfortable and stifling, what with the sky not letting up, and I might as well try to prep myself up.

That’s probably why I ended up in front of the brothel for the second time in two nights, demanding for a blond, any blond, as many blonds as they could give.

And still, even in the midst of the heat and the throes of what might pass as passion but probably isn’t, I’m not satisfied. I’m holding them- three bodies pressed against me in a sinful dance on the sheets but I feel hollow, because it doesn’t mean anything.

And when I close my eyes and scream my release, it sounds empty to my ears.

I’d kill to hear a gunshot right now.

-

It seemed to me like Sanzo was getting tired of losing himself to his inner turmoil. I can empathise, because it must suck to be feeling so depressed for so long. There’s only so much melancholy a person can take, and I think he’s reached his limit break. If he doesn’t snap out of it now, I’m sure he’ll break.

What the fuck am I talking about? I’m acting like I know him. I admit, that’s quite presumptuous thinking on my part. Sanzo doesn’t conform to anyone’s normal standard of behaviour. He’s maniacally violent, desperately abusive, and fabulously hostile. His eyes light up when he gets pissed, and he just springs to life when someone crosses him, and he’s just so god-damn beautiful when he’s mad that it makes my heart ache.

And maybe, that’s why I’m starting to hate the rain too. Because it takes Sanzo away with it.

Lost in my thoughts, I don’t realise that the weather’s lightened up, so that it’s only a slight drizzle and the smell of nicotine invading my senses tugs me back to reality. A thin trail of smoke blows my way, smothered slightly by the near negligible rain.

The saru dares to open his mouth now, his animal instincts telling him that it’s all right to talk now, and he’s right.

Sanzo, he whimpers, I’m hungry.

And Sanzo turns around with a glare. Is it so hard to shut your trap? He snaps.

Yes, I believe it is. He’s exactly like the sun, Sanzo. After the showers, he makes his return, bright and sharp and blinding. And he’s got me falling all over again.

-

Fri, 01 Apr 2005 14:29:39 GMT

because i banged my head against the wall so hard that i had to be rushed to the hospital for a scan, all my plans of bringing K around london have been dashed. we'd planned to spend the next two days at harrod's and then maybe check out some boutiques in the city centre. but because i have a right thick bandanna around my skull, we think it's a better idea to just stay at home...or at the hospital. whatever.

i feel awful. it's her mid-semester break and she came over to visit and now..this. :(

but then! i get to skip school! and everything else! and niisan's so worried he's flying over with yoko-chan to see me this weekend! -dances about. now K, don't you think that's great? you'll see my niisan! XD

shhh, don't tell anyone, but she's got this major crush on my older brother. hah!

oh wait. she swears it's not a crush. it's lurrvvveeee...

-snickers.

oh the pitfalls of being in love. i'm so glad i'm not.

teehee. anyway, i wrote up a 5x3 saiyuki fic which i tried to post up here but i must've banged my head so badly i forgot how to do it. bahh. i'm stupid. the air must've entered and contaminated my brain.

yes, excuses, excuses. well, excusez moi for being such a brat.

XS

Sun, 20 Mar 2005 03:38:53 GMT

reposted Superstar on ff.net because i felt like it. and it seemed to make more sense to finish that one instead of starting on new projects, especially if i don't have any brilliant ideas in mind.

Working on the second chapter with K and we might get it done for Easter. don't know. she's gone half-mad trying to write the third chapter for breaking prophecy and i'm stuck on the starting paragraph for revenge never tasted so sweet. i like writing that one, but i think the nicest to write is the jyousei shounan one. maybe because the pairing hasn't been exploited so i can take my time poking my head around and trying to decipher all the accidental touches, bashful stares and all that sexual tension hanging so thickly in the air.

-grins. i am such a hentai.

was reminded of kof and the kyo/iori pairing. oh that one is cute. seriously. so much open hostility and denial going on that i can just die! XD

Thu, 24 Feb 2005 08:29:12 GMT

OHMYGOD! K actually updated her fic - almost as if she actually received my mental threats! LOL.

read it! it's good shit! XD

Breaking Prophecy: Chapter the Second

Thu, 24 Feb 2005 06:25:42 GMT

i read purple tide all of five times - it was on ffnet a long way back but was taken down by some reason, and i'm so glad i found it! thank you iipa! =D

it's the best weiss kreus fic ever! AyaSchu! Now imagine that! it's always, ALWAYS SchuAya - how come no one ever considers the possibility that Schuldig might be the uke? i mean, Aya is very aggressive.

ohmy.

that has definitely cheered me up. i've finally settled down - and it'll probably take a few days more to completely swing back into the old routine, and who knows? i might actually find time to write up 'revenge never tasted so sweet' but only if K writes her 'breaking prophecy' at the same time.

i really find tezufuji tasteless. ack.

Sun, 20 Feb 2005 06:34:03 GMT

life's a bitch. i haven't settled down as yet and term's starting up. haven't got time for anything goddamnit! i wish niisan was here to help me get everything arranged, but of course, that's impossible since he's continents away from where i am.

*wails*

i miss niisan and yoko-chan. i miss kai-san. i haven't spoken to any of them since january! gads, what the fuck is wrong with service these days? my phone doesn't work and i PAID for overseas calls yanno?! sheesh.

gimme a break.

Fri, 11 Feb 2005 01:06:42 GMT

and oh! K's flying off today. Right on back to Australia for her new school term. -cries.

why does everybody leave me? nii-san left and took kai-san along with him. and yoko-chan is still in the states. i'm all alone in this dreary country and...why does it have to be me that gets stuck in this miserable place?

not that i'm complaining, really.

Fri, 11 Feb 2005 00:51:10 GMT

sooooo...lemme get this straight - everyone uses lj, but no one I know personally uses it. (K does not count since she's even more useless at this comp stuff than I am) so why the hell are all the good stuff here?!! -cries. maybe I should just stick to good ol' easy blogger to post my thoughts up.

or not. since the site is quite public. here at least, i've got privacy.

but ya know? I really don't think I will post much since I haven't got much to say. In general. I'm suffering from writer's block and I can't seem to get any inspiration to continue on with any of my fics. K - please help dear. PLEASE.

if my site bores you, i beg your pardon. it really is not meant to entertain. -sweatdrops.

Thu, 10 Feb 2005 06:04:36 GMT

I have screwed up royally -__-''

K stayed the week at my place when she came over to visit a relative, and she wrote up this brilliant fic on the Tactics anime that she likes so much. And since she has no lj account (and seeing as I’m completely useless at it and can’t help her out in the least) we agreed to post it up on mine. She insisted I join the tactics community on her behalf, saying that I'm bound to fall in love with the series eventually. Sadly though, I've watched the series through more than 3 times, and still don't see its appeal. Perhaps its charm simply eludes me, as is often the case, and I don't think much of the series, with all due respect to all Tactics fans out there.

Sure, Haruka is cute, and he and Kantaro make a really cute couple...but I'm totally going out of point here.

Anyway, we posted her fic up on MY journal, and added the friends she wanted (because we decided since I hardly use this lj thing we might as well utilise it to a max - meaning I let her abuse my account) and so we're basically turning this into a joint account, but the thing is, it obviously slipped my mind because I posted personal things and we had to have it deleted and I'd given my username to some people who would otherwise be very confused with the way things are now. Come to think of it, I'm very confused too.

We linked a story under my lj account to her ffnet accout. That didn't help in the least. -__-

So what I'm going to do now (while the perpetrator of this confusion goes about doing some last minute shopping) is help her create her OWN lj account, and delete myself from the communities she joined under my name.

-sighs. It's so hard to draw the lines sometimes. Especially when the other person is someone you adore very much. Let this be a lesson well learnt.

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